He’s cumming home, He’s cumming home, Dominic’s cumming home.

But which home? On what date? And by what means of transport?

These and many other questions remain unanswered, 24 hours after 14 out of 26 Cabinet ministers took to Twitter to express their outrage at the politically-motivated attacks on a senior political adviser just doing what any good person would do to look after their toddler. Even though the guidance said any good person shouldn’t do that.

However, it is possible to piece together approximate answers to at least some of these questions, using publicly-available information, such as the published account of the events by Dominic Cummings’s wife, Mary Wakefield.

From these information sources, it is pretty clear that Mary Wakefield developed coronavirus symptoms – including “a nasty headache” – on Friday 27 March, the same day that the Prime Minister tested positive for coronavirus and began to self-isolate in Downing Street. Luckily for Mary, her “extremely kind” husband, Dominic Cummings, “rushed home from work” to look after her. And, indeed, Dominic Cummings was filmed running out of Downing Street, carrying a large and seemingly heavy bag, towards the end of the day on Friday 27 March.

According to Mary, the extremely kind Dominic himself collapsed with coronavirus symptoms just 24 hours later, and “for the next 10 days he lay doggo with a high fever and spasms that made the muscles lump and twitch in his legs”. And, indeed, by Monday, Downing Street sources were confirming to journalists that Dominic had developed “mild” coronavirus symptoms – including a cough – over the weekend, and was now self-isolating. By this time, we now know, both Dominic and Mary, and their toddler, were in Durham.

So it seems pretty certain that Dominic, Mary, the toddler and their coronavirus travelled from their home in Islington, north London, in breach of the law, to the evidently quite extensive home of Dominic’s parents in Durham, late on Friday 27 March, or early the next day (so, possibly in the middle of the night). Whether they drove, flew or took a train (see below), we don’t yet know. But starting on Saturday 28 March, or possibly on Sunday 29 March, poor Dominic spent 10 days in his Durham bed, lying “doggo”.

Then again, Dominic was evidently well enough to read and retweet tweets on Saturday 28 and Sunday 29 March; to read and reply to tweets on Monday 30 March, when he tweeted “train” in reply to those asking why he had needed to run out of Downing Street on 27 March; to retweet a press article on Tuesday 31 March; to retweet the Prime Minister’s thanks to “everyone who is doing their bit in the fight against coronavirus” on Thursday 2 April; and to retweet the PM on Saturday 4 April. Maybe not so “doggo”, then.

What “train” was Dominic running for late on Friday 27 April, I wonder? A ‘train’ from Westminster to Islington? Most of us would call that a ‘tube’. Or a train from London to Durham? Maybe we should be told.

If the lucky Mary’s account is to be believed, Saint Dominic then rose from his sick bed on Tuesday 7 April or (if his doggo-ness started on Sunday 29 March) on Wednesday 8 April. However, according to the Guardian and Daily Mirror, Dominic was seen, with the toddler, in the garden of his Durham home on Sunday 5 April. They may or may not have been dancing to ABBA. Maybe Dominic was only a little bit “doggo” by then.

Similarly, if Mary developed her symptoms on Friday 27 March, the day that Dominic does seem to have rushed (a) for a train and (b) home to look after Mary, then Dominic’s 14 days of self-isolation (as required by the Government’s coronavirus guidance) would have ended on Friday 10 April. So, he was out of self-isolation on Sunday 12 April (Easter Sunday, and Mary Wakefield’s birthday) when, according to the Guardian and Sunday Mirror, he and Mary made the 60-mile round trip from their Durham home to Barnard Castle, in breach of the Government’s then guidance to ‘stay at home, save lives’.

And, on Tuesday 14 April, Dominic was photographed back at work in Downing Street, clutching “a bag containing a carton of soup, a tangerine and a carrot”.

Subsequently, Dominic and Mary may or may not have returned to Durham, where – according to the Guardian and Sunday Mirror – they were seen walking among bluebells on Sunday 19 April, in full compliance with the Government’s then guidance not to “leave your home for any reason, other than to walk among bluebells”.

Bluebells, shmuebells. The key questions, it seems to me, are: on what date (at the end of March) did Dominic, Mary and the toddler travel unlawfully from London to Durham, and how did they get there? Did they travel by train and/or other public transport? If so, how many people did they interact with (and possibly infect), given that they should by then have been self-isolating?

Or did they unlawfully drive the 265 miles from north London to Durham? In which case, did they stop for petrol? Was this the first known case of a toddler spending four hours or more in a car without needing to go to the toilet? And, if they did stop en route, who got out of the car, and how many people did they interact with (and possibly infect), given that they should by then have been self-isolating?

FWIW, my working theory is that Johnson can’t sack Cummings, because then it would only be a matter of time before it comes out that Johnson sanctioned the road trip to Durham. It is inconceivable that the Prime Minister’s closest adviser would go to the far end of the country without at least telling the Prime Minister. And, if Cummings has to go for making the unlawful road trip, Johnson would have to go for sanctioning it. So, they have no option but to try to ride it out. They sink or swim together.