Are you a Labour MP? Maybe newly-elected on 4 July, or otherwise unfamiliar with the deeply defective and anachronistic Private Members’ Bill process? Still undecided how to vote on Kim Leadbeater’s assisted dying Bill on Friday?

Well, fret no more! Just select the answer to each of these five, simple questions that best fits your view, work out your total score, then follow my voting advice. Sorted!

Q1. Are you ready to be associated forever with releasing the assisted suicide genie from the bottle?

(A) Yes, old and sick people are incredibly costly, and I’d much rather we spent the money on nukes, atomic submarines and freeports.

(B) Look, terminally ill people have a right to be bumped off by the State. Who am I to stop them?

(C) Actually, no, not really.

Q2. Are you confident that doctors can reliably predict how long someone with a terminal illness has to live, and that they can spot family coercion a mile off?

(A) Yes, doctors are never wrong, and the NHS’s £3 billion annual bill for medical negligence is simply due to unscrupulous lawyers.

(B) Look, terminally ill people have a right to be bumped off by the State. Who are doctors to stop them?

(C) Actually, no, not really.

Q3. Do you believe implicitly in judicial omniscience and infallibility?

(A) Yes, the Birmingham Six were most likely guilty. Probably. Who cares?

(B) Look, terminally ill people have a right to be bumped off by the State. Who are judges to stop them?

(C) Actually, no, not really.

Q4. Given that the Government cannot afford to pay this year’s winter fuel allowance or abolish the two-child benefit cap, are you confident that creating a National Suicide Service will not impact adversely on either NHS services intended to keep people alive, or the chronically underfunded justice system?

(A) Yes, I’ve just hung a Dignity in Dying bauble on the money tree.

(B) Look, terminally ill people have a right to be bumped off by the State. Who are taxpayers and Treasury bean counters to stop them?

(C) Actually, no, not really.

Q5. Given that Report stage/Third Reading wouldn’t be until 25 April, after which the Bill would go to the Lords, are you happy for this Red-on-Red warfare to rumble on for another six months?

(A) Yes, every day in every way, this issue is demonstrating not just Keir Starmer’s outstanding leadership skills, but his mastery of political strategy and his unrivalled tactical acumen.

(B) Look, terminally ill people have a right to be bumped off by the State. Who are Wes Streeting, Shabana Mahmood, Bridget Phillipson and Morgan McSweeney to stop them?

(C) Actually, no, not really.

Now score your answer to each question, and total to get your final score:

For every question to which you answered (A): score 3 points

For every question to which you answered (B): score 2 points

For every question to which you answered (C): score 0 points

How did you score? And what should you do on Friday?

You scored 11-15 points: Speak and vote for the Bill on Friday, and be sure to let Kim Leadbeater know that you’d be proud to serve on the bill committee. Yes, Kim gets to pick the committee! Democracy 2024, innit.

You scored 5-10 points: Find something you really, really need to do in your constituency on Friday.

You scored 0-4 points: Skip the five-hour debate, but vote against the Bill on Friday. A ministerial post in Wes Streeting’s first government awaits you!